To push or not to push

Take a deep breath.  Then another.  It's okay.  Everything will be okay.  I have to remember to breathe sometimes.  I knew myself once.  Once upon a time...  Oh how sweet the stories used to start.  I've forgotten way too much about who I am and who I want to be.  But I do still remember.  I see it distantly like a dream I've woken up from that I'm trying desperately to remember, but I know how this works.  If you look straight at it, it will disappear.  You have to find the wiggle room.  Just around the edges you can see the glimmers and hopes.  The crazy things that seemed so unrealistic and so intangible.  Those things you knew you could only see if you were still there in that perfect crazy land dreaming away. 

But they are there.  They're in that last bit of housework or in my case that giant mountain.  They're there in that little bit of dream left awake in your psyche.  They're there in everything you thought you couldn't accomplish like a new blog post or making a new friend.  Everything you thought you were hiding from and had pushed away is truly right in front of you if you allow yourself to see it.  You just have to push.  Just push a little bit harder than you did yesterday.  Those able-bodied people that don't know about fatigue or depression just call it trying.  For us though, it's pushing. 

You have to keep pushing and pushing yourself.  Trying is easy.  Trying is just that next step when you didn't think you could do something.  Pushing is knowing you can do it, but ignoring the fact that that last bit of energy to try is gone.  Pushing is trusting that you will take a new bit of energy and make it your bitch.  Pushing is saying:  I'm going to do this today no matter what.  If it takes you 3 hours, you're not letting yourself down because you found it and created it right then and there, so be it if it was four hours later.  Love yourself and keep on pushing, keep on trying, because you're worth it and you can do it, if only you believe.