Trying to teach myself to write on a daily basis again is proving harder than one would hope.  I feel like such a complete failure in so many aspects of my life it's harder and harder not to fall into deep depression every time I think about my goals.  I said I was staying up late tonight to try and get some writing done.  I trolled Facebook and a couple other sites for nearly 4 hours, and this is all I came up with:  I don't write often enough, I don't work enough to complain about anything, America has a serious cat problem, and Gladwell's 10,000-hour rule makes me feel even more like a loser.  I had a decent amount of hours logged for a few of my favorite things, but that effort and practice has shamefully dwindled.  Well, I'm sick of beating myself up and feeling down.  I'm starting day 5 without cigarettes and alcohol, my first day of food logging, and my first solo yoga workout (I bought the mat yesterday.  I damn well better use it.).  Wish me luck!  I'm ready to have something to talk about instead of why I've been rocking back and forth on my thumbs since August.  Being scared to move and terrified to share is worse than not being here at all.  Someone is going to quit looking out for me if I don't start doing it for myself.  I'm here to take care of myself and better my life.  One day at a time.

Being yourself:  You think it's going to be easy.  You think, me?  I'm honest, open...I can represent and be just who I am whenever I want.  Wrong.  It's not as easy as it sounds or as easy as maybe it even should be.  But what good are "shoulds"?  The only difference you're going to make in this life is through change.  Trying to figure out "if's and should's" is about as fruitful as worrying or eating pizza all day sitting on the couch wishing you weren't fat.  I've had a very busy day as you can tell and am feeling particularly good about myself at the moment.  Fantastic you should drop in to hear me rant.

When do I get to be myself?  At what point do I feel like whatever I do I own?  Anything that is me is okay.  When do I feel this way?  I suppose after the anxiety and depression subsides.  After I work my ass off, and then there is no guarantee.  All you can do is trust yourself and say fuck it.  Why not?  Why am I so fucking worried all the time?  Is there nothing that I can do to free my mind?  How about freedom of speech?  It's saved me so many times before.  Why isn't it my first choice now?  Am I really that afraid of a family member reading what I say and disapproving?  For fuck's sake.  You're almost 30 years old.  Be happy that you're still breathing and maybe just maybe that horrible headache you've been avoiding seeing a doctor about will go away on its on.  Worth a try.  Maybe.