Here I am.  Day two.  I'm writing.  I'm here.  I didn't accomplish much in the way of gardening today.  I got a bag of gardening soil and a bag of mushroom compost out of my car.  I thought ahead and bought them yesterday.  Woohoo!  What a step accomplished.  I shouldn't mock myself.  That's why you're reading this, right?  I covered some seeds and rearranged some pots.  It's cold outside.  I'm sticking with that as to why my accomplishments are so dim.  Let's be real though.  I slept until 3:30pm and then spent an hour on the computer before going outside.  I don't know why I've been sleeping so much.  Hopefully my body is fighting the sickness.  I slept nearly 13 hours again last night.  I didn't have to fight to stay in bed.  I was not sad.  I was eager to get into the daylight, but it was still so dreary and cold.  Sunlight...you know where you are.  I'm coming for you.  Like a turtle.

I've been cooking beans for 24 hours.  They're pretty good.  I'm wishing I had put some brown sugar in them, but I can do that when I open a can and heat them.  I may give some away but mostly it's just for me.  I'm trying to eat more legumes for my blood pressure and cholesterol (even though I did season them with pork).  Making a lot of life choices/changes at one time is not an easy task.  I feel dragged down, but I am still pushing.  I know at the end of it I will feel so much better about myself for having willpower and being strong.  I remember  a time when I could not be swayed.  I always stayed true to myself.  In recent years, I've had a lot more trouble understanding myself and drawing my personal lines (for myself and for others).  I'm not sure what changed, but I am confident that I am changing it for the better now.  I made collards yesterday too.  They only took a couple of hours to cook.  I let them soak in iced water over night.  They were my homegrown organic collards.  I seasoned them with peppered bacon, onion, chicken base, ham stock, ham bits, sriracha, apple cider vinegar and minced garlic.  OMG.  They are so delicious.  I had planned to eat the beans with them, but instead since they weren't ready, I ate two heaping bowls of collards with only a bit of bread.  Needless to say, I received the fiber for which I'd been looking.  If I was doing a comedy bit, I'd expose myself here.  Bigtime.  Instead, I'm rather dull so I'll just say:  Poop.

I'm watching a Lifetime movie right now.  Well, not really.  For some reason, I'm trying to, but it's just making me angry.  I'm going to do something productive like fold clothes and hope that I can cheat and eat Chinese food tonight.  I haven't drank or smoked or even had caffeine in a week.  My blood pressure is already down, but tachycardia is still back and forth.  The echocardiogram went seemingly well yesterday.  I have just recently had these inexplicable heart problems (as in it all started in mid-February).  I had decided to be better to my body by the end of January, though.  Two weeks of cutting way back on drinking and smoking and all of a sudden I'm at the ER hoping that my heart doesn't explode.  We'll get to the bottom of it.  I know my anxiety didn't help it, but I also feel certain that whatever it was had to do with more than anxiety.  I've been dealing with that for almost 18 years.  I know what that feels like and how much it can vary.  A heart rate that's pounding out of my chest with absolutely no other symptoms is a new ballgame.  I'm looking forward to continuing my journey to health and feeling good.  Of course, I'm having some major cravings, but they come and go.  That's why tonight I am going to permit myself to splurge a little.  I've been good all week.  It's time to live a little.  Even if living is just Chinese food and a movie marathon.  Even, just?  Whatever.  That sounds like living to me.