March 1, 2013 Ramblings...

I've been telling myself I'm going to write since last night.  I've been trying not to think about what is on the brink today.  The love and support from FB friends is awesome, but I need more…like reassurance in my heart.  Like I need to remember everything that I said I'd be yesterday, and I need to become it today.  I had so many good ideas last night and I knew that if I didn't write them down I would lose them.  I always tell myself that, but I never get up and do it.  I got up last night, but I just trolled FB and still avoided the task that I really felt I should be doing.  So let's see what we got…

Write a blog daily.  Why not Simelodyence?  Finish it, start it, whatever...

Plant seeds.  Talk about your gardening. Every year I say I'm going to start a gardening blog…  

Realize that no matter what you do it can't be wrong.  It is right because it is your life and your choice.  You can only fuck it up if you do not try.  THAT IS IT.  Effort is all you need.

Randomness and recording it.  Laying in different places.  Observing my own need for change and making it happen in the smallest most random ways in order to inspire myself to write.

Breathe.  Keep mindful of breath and never stop remembering this.

Forgiving is not forgetting.  Let go, but keep your lesson.  Learn.

I was sitting on the sofa thinking, "I never say sofa.  Why did I just say that?"  So I sat on the couch and felt better.  Then I knew I needed a change of scenery.  Suddenly the bathtub sounded awesome.  Only if it was dry though.  Being partially wet is no good.  I am all or nothing or gray on everything, but I'm never in-between on wetness.  Maybe laying on the front porch would be nice.  My back would probably like it for a second.  It would feel cool through my clothing.  The neighbors would think me strange, but I'm sure that's already been achieved.  Being outside was big goal for today.  I have collards in the sink and seeds that need to be planted.  Oh you needy needy seeds.  Why must I love you so?  

A friend told me if I sat down to write for 30 minutes it would turn into 3 hours.  This is a vote of confidence that I greatly appreciate.  But it won't work today.  I only have 28 minutes until I'm supposed to be walking back for my echocardiogram.  I'm trying not to be insanely nervous which well, who knows if it has any actually affect on how I feel.  What I do know is that watching the clock will drive me nuts, I won't get any seeds planted before I leave, I'm going to be early, and I'm going to be very happy once it is over…I think.  This is assuming that the results are fabulously normal.  Either way, I just remembered something I was supposed to write about!  My healthy journey, or my health journey, creating a health journal, the troubles with procrastination and extensive thought, how puppies help mental health, how relationships help and hurt it, how writing is something to be revelled in and not avoided like a plague-ridden sloth that will drag you down slowly until your guts turn to mush and you vomit them up in a cold dark smoothie that only a vampire might want to drink.  

I lay in bed wishing I was in a bathtub.  I lay in a bathtub wishing I was in my front yard.  I had a glass of water wishing it was a beer.  I had a pill wishing my brain could love itself again.  I listened to a poem wishing it didn't repeat itself constantly.  And I wondered, why do I wish so much?  Couldn't I just stop the poem?  Think of something else?  Drink a beer?  Lay in the front yard?  Lay in the bathtub?  Be grateful that I have a bed in which to lay?  Sighing makes an imbearable world feel bearable for a moment.  Scratching my head is a simple delete.  Frozen waffles do not compare to fresh. Friends mean the world to me, and gardening is one dream that will come to fruition.  I have to get soil today and remember how good it feels to put your hands in the dirt, grow and cook your own food, and be somewhat self-sustaining.  I need to gather would and build a new compost bin, but mostly, I need to be ready for whatever life hands me.  By ready, I mean, completely prepared that I have no control.  Being okay with floating is the best gift you can give yourself in the ocean, and life is merely the sea.